Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can also hurt

I apologize for making this a more personal post than usual... on second thoughts, what am I apologizing for? Aren't Blogs supposed to be personal?

As I mentioned in my last post, I attended a high school reunion last weekend, my first ever. It was interesting to see how my former classmates had changed and matured, in appearance as well as in outlook. But while I had been prepared for the usual questions about what my life had been like in the intervening years, what career choices I've made and so on, I was not prepared when a former classmate confronted me with a description of my older self that was anything but positive.

My own memories of school are hazy and selective, and while I remembered having had political differences and debates with that classmate, my take on them was that it had all been in good fun of the "agree to disagree" variety. However, her recollection was much different, and much as I want to believe my version, I fear hers may be the more accurate one, especially as she felt so strongly about it that this impression of me virtually stayed with her through the years. I should add that this classmate is of Indian heritage, and as she told me, my statements in class and to her had clearly been racist. And while she had encountered "faceless" racism and intolerance before and elsewhere, to her I became the face of racism.

I can't really say strongly enough how much that distressed me. There are few things I despise more or find more repugnant than racism, intolerance, or discrimination of any sort. My own self image all these years has been of a person remarkably free of prejudice, someone who truly believes that all people are basically brothers and sisters, all children of a loving God. The idea of demeaning or belittling someone on account of their color, race, ethnicity or religion is completely alien to me...now. And I am deeply ashamed that I ever may have acted or believed differently.

But the more salient point here is that our own perception of ourselves, and of how we act in certain situations, may be much different from how others perceive us. A careless remark, possibly meant in fun, can hurt deeply... never more so than during the formative years of young personhood, where one is still searching for one's own identity. And young people can be especially cruel and harsh in their views of others.

I hope and I think that my classmate realized that I've changed from the person who made all these statements in the past, whether they ever were intentionally racist or not. And I believe the lesson here is very easy...and very hard at the same time: the things we do, the things we say, leave traces in the people around us. And while it is unrealistic to expect that we will always be able to consider every possible consequence of our acts, it sometimes may be good policy to remember the old saying that "if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all", or, because disagreement is a healthy and necessary thing, to at least be civil about it.